(Courtesy of British-cars.co.uk)
What Lotus needs to do is to get involved in the next James Bond film. If they can get the Exige S2 to be Bond’s car they will be on to a winner. I can see it now…
[Scene 89: Location - Top secret underground bunker somewhere in London. Bond is introduced to the latest automotive gadget from Q branch]
Q: Now pay attention double-o seven. This is the Lotus Exige S2.
Bond: Hmmm looks strangely familiar.
Q: Don’t be fooled by first impressions, Bond. This is the latest and most sophisticated Lotus ever. And my team have added one or two pieces of special equipment from Q branch which may come in handy on your mission.
Bond: I’m all ears, Q.
Q: (Taking out Cobra keyfob). Looks like a normal Thatcham category two alarm. But press this big button here… just press this big… (Q waves keyfob at cockpit)… the big button and… (waves hand manically towards the car)… poxy thing… just point it at the car and…(indicators flash)…There! The car is now fully armed and protected, and any attempt to get in will result in a small electric shock.
Bond: But the car body is plastic??!!
Q: A minor detail, Bond. Now (proudly) try and gain access.
Bond: (Pauses for a second, then smugly opens the door. The alarm fails to go off). What, like this you mean?
Q: What the…
Bond: (Climbs in to the car and waves his hands around to prove the alarm isn’t working). Back to the drawing board with that one I think, Q?
Q: Yes well never mind about that, double-o seven. Anyway since your inside make yourself comfortable and…
Bond: Comfortable, Q?
Q: (sighs) Enough wisecracks, commander. Now listen up. Standard Lotus Exige. Steering wheel here, gearstick jammed under your left knee and four point harness to stop you reaching any of the interesting buttons.
Bond: What about this button down on the right at the end of the…
Q: GOD NO BOND DON’T TOUCH THAT.
Bond: Why not, Q. Ejector seat? Poison gas? Heatseaking missile?
Q: No, it doesn’t do anything at all it just might come off in your hand thats all.
Bond: (raises eyebrow).
Q: Now as I was saying, Q Branch have taken the standard Lotus Exige S2 and added one or two interesting features. I’m particularly proud of this one…(Q presses a button on the door and the windows slide down.)
Bond: (Disappointed) Electric windows, Q?
Q: Exactly!
Bond: (Sighs). What else have you got for me? What about this (points to dashboard). Looks like a Kenwood mask CD player. What do we have - GPS? Sat Nav? Tracker?
Q: Err…no…it’s just a Kenwood mask CD player.
Bond: (Shakes head) Six CD auto-changer?
Q: Do behave double-o seven.
Bond: So what about weaponary. Defences. Offensive kit. What have I got?
Q: Well…erm…
Bond: (Concerned) You have fitted some bullet proofing and weapons systems haven’t you?
Q: Well to be honest, Bond, they add too much weight. The pissy little engine in the back is not powerful enough to get the car out of 2nd if we give you too much equipment. And the fibreglass bodyshell is too difficult to mount machine guns to. We’ve already cracked three rear clamshells trying it and Lotus are refusing to honour our warranty claims.
Bond: (Exasperated). So you’re telling me your sending me out on an operation in a standard Exige S2 and all you’ve added is some electric windows and a CD player?
Q: Well…yes that’s about the size of it.
Bond: (Sarcastically) Well thank’s very much, Q.
Q: Don’t mention it Bond. And do try and bring it back in one piece this time.
Bond: (Pointing to cracked front splitter) But it’s not in one piece already!!!
Q: Yes well blame the speedbumps in these bloody backstreets…